Sometimes you just don’t know what to do. Sometimes everything seems confusing and you are so uncertain of what you want. It gets worse when no one is around and when no one understands you, the way you feel, the way things should be, the way they could have been, no one will ever understand these things or how much they mean to you. Sometimes you don’t have the company of your friends, the intimate care of family or the vague satisfaction in the arms of a lover when you need it the most… they’re probably busy handling their own strife or they just don’t give a shit.
All this peace and quiet gets you thinking. Thinking is good when you’re alone but thinking too much isn’t because you tend to step into doors that should have never been opened. It’s sickening to evaluate your past, the ongoing mess and your future just fades into hazy uncertainty. It’s maddening to be all by yourself, in a dark corner of the place you once called home but now it’s just four walls and a bed. In all that silence, you start feeling guilt for the things you’ve not done. You feel like atoning for the mistakes you didn’t commit or the sins that were dumped on you by some self-righteous piece of shit.
You don’t deserve that burden, nobody does. It’s shoved on your back like you’re some goddamned mule and you need to walk with it till you find another mule just like you. You hope, you find someone to help you out but that hope faints as you walk down that road without guidance, luxuries, no one to share your pain with and no one to show you right from wrong and soon right and wrong hold no value. Soon you hate everything you see, everything you hear, the air your breathe is filled with hate and whatever you smell disgusts you to such proportions that you want to murder everything in sight and then mercilessly slaughter the people who put you in this state of mind, in this place, you want them gone…
You will build your world around hate, no matter how hard you try to hide it, it’s always there… That condition, this mindset, the creeping loneliness – no one deserves such a brutal and vile punishment. Soon you begin to fall in that place they call the abyss; you fall and are lost in the muddles of your mind… It is then that it hits you; it will happen and when it does you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s this sense of acquaintance you form with whatever you are now. You begin to acknowledge yourself in a different way, unbiased, no matter what you are… It’s a vivid sense of freedom – it becomes your life, your friend, your family and your new home… It’s just you, yourself and your mind.
All this peace and quiet gets you thinking. Thinking is good when you’re alone but thinking too much isn’t because you tend to step into doors that should have never been opened. It’s sickening to evaluate your past, the ongoing mess and your future just fades into hazy uncertainty. It’s maddening to be all by yourself, in a dark corner of the place you once called home but now it’s just four walls and a bed. In all that silence, you start feeling guilt for the things you’ve not done. You feel like atoning for the mistakes you didn’t commit or the sins that were dumped on you by some self-righteous piece of shit.
You don’t deserve that burden, nobody does. It’s shoved on your back like you’re some goddamned mule and you need to walk with it till you find another mule just like you. You hope, you find someone to help you out but that hope faints as you walk down that road without guidance, luxuries, no one to share your pain with and no one to show you right from wrong and soon right and wrong hold no value. Soon you hate everything you see, everything you hear, the air your breathe is filled with hate and whatever you smell disgusts you to such proportions that you want to murder everything in sight and then mercilessly slaughter the people who put you in this state of mind, in this place, you want them gone…
You will build your world around hate, no matter how hard you try to hide it, it’s always there… That condition, this mindset, the creeping loneliness – no one deserves such a brutal and vile punishment. Soon you begin to fall in that place they call the abyss; you fall and are lost in the muddles of your mind… It is then that it hits you; it will happen and when it does you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s this sense of acquaintance you form with whatever you are now. You begin to acknowledge yourself in a different way, unbiased, no matter what you are… It’s a vivid sense of freedom – it becomes your life, your friend, your family and your new home… It’s just you, yourself and your mind.
