Reflection

Reflecting, soul-searching or just blankly thinking makes me realize that I’ve come a long way from what I used to be. People tell me I have changed but isn’t that a part of growing up? Isn’t change inevitable? I can’t imagine being the same person I was a year ago let alone two. So what made me change? What drove these changes? What shaped me as I person? And I began to think…

School was… well… I don’t have words to say. I have faintish memories of every incident - From being a loser to a joint-rolling weirdo who head-banged at every given opportunity. I even remember the time I got this guy drunk (and that my friends, landed me in a mouthful of trouble). When my psychology professors use the term “juvenile delinquent”, I actually picture myself in school and all the mischief and crimes I committed in the name of rebellion and angst. Rolling a smooth joint while my class teacher explained science to smoking in the washroom to hanging out with cheap ass-wipes to sleeping with drunken little sluts – I had done it all. Nothing really to be proud of but I believed that these early experiences were the ones that shaped and molded me into what I am today. But I was wrong…

College was another drastic stepping stone. I had sobered down quite a lot when I stepped into college. It was funny entering a new environment, falling in and out of “love”, from being an arrogant, young, angry juvenile idiot to a much calmer, sophisticated, well mannered young adult. The immense number of heartbreaks, addictions and conflicts had added to the perplexity and complexity of my being. This complexity of my mind had aroused certain doubts about me which led to major misunderstandings and confusion. I again believed that the events that occurred in my entire college life right from junior college to degree had shaped my personality, attitude, my sense of morals and ethics but I was wrong again. How could people shape me? None of them understand me and how can they? They have not felt the pain I had endured from the time I was a child. They had their merry little lives and awesome parents and a perfect childhood which they bragged about with such uncluttered grace.  These nimrods couldn't possibly understand the significance of my suffering, my dark past and my twisted fate because they had not felt my pain.

It was then I realized something. What shaped me right from the early days wasn’t the people I was surrounded by, it wasn’t my parents, my peers, my teachers, the cold strangers on the road, the experiences or reactions, the guilt or the shame – It was the pain I had endured all these years that made me what I am. It was pain that had become my core, the driving force and the reason why I would feel so empty when I was happy, so empty when everything was good and exciting. It was pain that drove me to change, to be creative. It was the unsatisfied aggression and anger that ran through my veins that powered my undivided focus towards accomplishing anything I wished to achieve. That pain still is the only reason I relate to darkness and the cold embrace of the flux. Without it I am nothing, without it I have no expression, no reason… I am just flesh and bones but with it I am something more, something ecstatic. It triggered and guided all my experiences and reasoning, the reason why I am insensitive, impervious and cold. It drove everything around me, change was just a term, I had only grown colder and learned that the things you can see and touch are expendable, worthless and pathetic... including me. Change was just an illusion to cover up this harbored pain which often led to hatred and isolation. Even though I accept it, it never goes away… It has become the most reliable source of entertainment, focus and a friend I can never replace. It is indeed the source of my ever changing nature and complexity.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” - Jim Morrison, The Doors.

Expectations?

It’s really funny how I expect so many things and none of it ever comes my way. Right from girlfriends to a perfect evening – things have never gone my way. Whether expecting a message from someone I cherish or expecting my allowance to be raised to its former glory or just bumping into a girl and then crawling into bed with her! Then I realized that being too demanding never suffices. Expecting too many things or even little ones takes the fun out of the element surprise. Waiting for a message that probably won’t come any sooner is a pointless profanity and finally when it doesn’t show up on your phone you fall out of balance. Not expecting that message in the first place would have saved you a lot of trouble.

Not expecting things really packs a punch though. Cause even the most simplest of things could surprise you then. The only expectation you could have is for yourself and yourself only - because you know that you won’t let yourself down.  

Go with the Flow

Ever wondered why every plan has to get messed up somehow? People plan out their lives - how they are going to go on a vacation or how they will save up for something in the future and it practically never works out. It’s interesting why these plans never work out. Is going with the flow of things really that much better of an option compared to planning?

Planning surely has it’s plus point, like my mom plans her vacations perfectly and they go smooth unlike this one time she planned this whole trip to Germany and it failed miserably because of a major setback. Plans always get ruined eventually so what’s the point? Sticking to the plan when everything is going wrong is even worse. When a plan falls out of place everything turns into chaos and that chaos is fun for some but crazy for others who can’t handle the stress.

I used to have plans but now I just go with the flow and don’t care about the outcomes and it has pretty much worked for me. Over-analyzing is a king-kong mega bitch! Planning surely has its plus points but the flow is something that is constant – it yields its own reward. Like I thought I would be a commerce graduate like my sister but 4 years later, here I am doing Arts and pursuing English literature and I love it. Things never go the way you want them to and when they don’t, just sit back, relax and see what happens. Don’t expect anything because expectations always let you down. Not having expectations always makes even the most miniscule incident of your day really awesome. So sit back and let things go the way they do. Trying to control everything only makes it worse. 

HighEye: Essence

HighEye: Essence: I woke up today, commenced with my usual routine (which involved rolling over and going to bed again). And as usual I went out for a smoke ...

Essence

I woke up today, commenced with my usual routine (which involved rolling over and going to bed again). And as usual I went out for a smoke and remembered something. Yesterday a good friend of mine left for his hometown. Before he left he said that he didn’t feel like leaving and Bombay was starting to feel like Bombay again. I wondered why he said that. All this time he was here, Bombay was still Bombay, what made it so special for him all of a sudden?

Bombay being one of the most crowded cities in India does share something special. It’s not the jam-packed streets or the hawkers on the road, the ever vigilant policemen, potholes or even the traffic that makes this city so “beautiful” – I quote, “It’s the people around you that make it special”. Sincerely, the memories and bonds that one holds with his or her friends makes this city so enchanting. Whether it’s a smoke shared between two guys on a sunny Sunday afternoon, a drink in a shady bar or a cup of tea from a vendor outside your college on a rainy day, it is something special that you hold onto for the rest of your life when you look back.

Friends that stick by you through your thick and thin or the ones who come to you in the middle of the night when they figure something’s wrong with you or the ones that simply show up at your door at 11 p.m. and pull you out from the safeguards of your home and throw you into a wild party. Even in college there are a few who make me look forward to catching a 6:49 a.m. Churchgate fast from Andheri  station and then spending the rest of the lectures with them and doing all sorts of retarded things… life would be miserable without them. Then there are the ones back home, the ones who are practically your family… probably the ones you have shared your fondest memories with, the ones that shape you and make you the person you are.

 

So if you are around Bombay, the city by itself isn’t something mystical, it’s the people around you who make it that interesting. Whether it’s a walk by Marine Drive or a late night stroll at Juhu beach, if you have friends these things seem to be much more than ordinary. Even through the fast-paced life that everyone in the city endures, you always have some time to take a glimpse around you and cherish the people you are sharing the cab with or taking an early morning jog or a walk to your college or the ones you go late night riding with. Remember, the city has a lot to offer if you have something you can give back. So don’t look away on a sunny day, after a long ride home, tired and weary because in all that chaotic madness and stress, you may actually find that special something.                    

Breaking down a Bully

A bully or bullying is a form of aggressive behavior, which may manifest as abusive treatment, the use of force or coercion to affect others. It is basically a way to undermine or destroy a person on the basis of ability, physique or psyche using elements such as intimidation. So what exactly creates these bullies?

Bullies generally tend to pick on weaker people. It may include people who are physically weak or lack the ability to retaliate. A bully generally stalks his “target”, lingering around them to check if they are the submissive or the aggressive types. Then accordingly the bully moves in to “attack” the “target” either engaging them alone or with the help of his “lieutenants” or “friends” who share the same retarded desire to hurt the “target”. So why do bullies behave in this manner?

With the minimal information displayed above, you may have noticed two questions. For further analysis:

Bullies generally believe themselves to be all mighty and powerful. You seldom see a tough guy trying to pick a fight or get into an argument with another tough guy. So technically these deluded losers gang up and pick on the weaker ones because they lack the courage or “the balls” to pick on people of their own size. It is solely because they cannot hurt anyone stronger than them, so to glorify or gratify their “bad boy” or “I’m so cool” image, they try it with the smaller “targets” to look “good” in front of their pathetic “girlfriends” or peers.

Knowing their boorish behavior, one can assume that they have parental issues and insecurities of all sorts. When you try to confront them, they either bullshit the death of a parent or both their parents or simply not being treated properly by their single parent (which may include being used as a driver and then being “tipped” – which is usually said in a much nicer way. Hey! Now I understand why they’re such assholes… Sympathy! :D). Begging for sympathy could be another possibility. Like if the “I’m a bad boy, date me” garbage doesn’t work, they’ll reduce to a tamed puppy who only knows how to lick and not bite in order to score with the girls. That’s like getting a girl over to your place and after all the “cock talks” you passed off to your guy friends earlier that day, instead of having sex with her, all you really want to do is cuddle (how romantic, especially since you’ve obviously had “sex” with “so many girls” in the past and suddenly you want to cuddle? Were you always a pussy or is the sudden change a plan to eventually get into the girl’s pants?). Either way, after all the cuddling, his friends receive a message, “I just got laid” (although he forgets to mention “in my dreams”).

The funniest part about bullies is the bullshit they vomit. The only thing common between a bully and a piece of shit is… oh! Wait… there is no difference. They will do anything and say anything to glorify themselves. For example: If they drink one beer, they tell everyone they drank maybe 4 or 5. This is the part I fail to see… Are they so obsessed with their macho-ism that they fail to see that what they speak makes no sense to them or the rest of the world? Some bullies barely of age to get a driving license claim to have killed people or rather threatened people with their lives. And yes, killing people makes one so macho! Pfft! A helpless man could also murder in self defense, my foolish friend. People fail to see that degrading yourself in society as a murderer makes you a moron and nothing else. You’re no different than the rest of the murderers, you aren’t cool and you are just a scum who lies to “look cool” in front of your peers. And the peers being bigger morons who actually buy this sort of crap. These are the people who if actually are handed a gun would first pee their pants and then pass out.

Bullies always want to be around the “hot” chicks or just the “good looking” ones in order to bolster their self-image as a “player” who “scores” with the ladies. Let us look at it this way - those girls don’t give two fucks about you! Get over it! Or they probably are just using you as temporary “bodyguards” or just a means of entertainment till their friends arrive and may discard you once the need is over. All they want to prove is that they are “good” with the “girls” and claim to have dated really “hot” girls but their definition of hot could hurt your eyesight or even cripple it to a certain extent or make you doubt the bully’s taste in women. Like this time a “macho” friend of mine told me his ex-girlfriend was hot and my eyes would pop out after looking at her. I saw her… my eyes popped out and went to the U.S. for an operation.

So technically these so called bullies are normal people like you and me. They have issues that have rendered them this way or it’s only because they do not get enough of love like normal people do because everyone hates them. It’s a cry for attention because they wouldn’t get it any other way. It may also be due to they getting bullied themselves by someone stronger than them. The muscle although, is a means to hide the inability to think or process like normal humans do (they always talk about some uninteresting boring crap which never has a single ounce of intelligence). Don’t be surprised if you walk into a bully’s room and find him sleeping while cuddling on a pillow on a Saturday night thinking that’s his so called “girlfriend” but you meet them the next day only to find them bragging/lying about what a crazy weekend they had. Lame but true. So the functioning of a bully is more pitiable than something to be afraid of. If you stand up to them once they will never approach you again. They are just an insecure lot who want to play their dominant cards while they still can. It is fun to watch their pathetic attempts at power-play and trying to control everything they see. A real miserable lot, might I add! :P

Bullying is not a new phenomenon; this problem has existed for long. Bullying has different levels depending on the location. For example: School, college, workplace or the area you reside in, etc. With proper help, co-ordination and support from each other (drag in the authorities if you have to) we can eradicate this problem of bullying or if possible eradicate these bullies themselves who degrade the significance of being human to a degree of impervious shame, untainted hypocrisy and sheer idiocy.